William Faulkner named Postmaster General
In a surprise move, President Trump today named William Faulkner the new United States Postmaster General. The well-known writer, also famous for his shoddy performance resulting in the loss of literally thousands of pieces of mail over the course of his three year tenure as postmaster at the University of Mississippi, Faulkner was recalled from the dead and immediately installed as overseer of all US postal operations from today until the end of the year.
“It’s surely a great honor,” Faulkner said this morning, gulping greedily from a bottle of whiskey as if he hadn’t seen one since, say, 1962. He then retreated from his new office into a dimly lit back room with a spiral notebook, a pack of playing cards, and a carton of Marlboro Reds.
Faulkner became postmaster at the University of Mississippi in 1921, soon after dropping out of college. Despite it being common knowledge that he regularly stole packages and magazines, closed the office whenever the mood struck him in order to write, read, or play cards, and frequently threw away mail he was too lazy to sort, he held the job for nearly three years, until he was fired by a Post Office inspector with a long list of these and other grievances.
“His behavior, when you think about it, was impeccable,” President Trump said of Faulkner. “Maybe he was ahead of his time? I think he was.”
“I can’t say we weren’t caught a little off guard [by the news],” said the operations manager at a major US Post Office. The manager asked not to be named, though an alarmed customer shouted, “What’s happening, Paul?” as unidentified agents rolled sorting machines out the back door of his location and tipped them into unmarked white vans. “I tried calling Mr. Faulkner about these guys,” the operations manager said, “but the phone just rang and rang. I’m sure he’ll get back to us, though.”
At the time of this release, Mr. Faulkner could not be reached for comment. A note on his office door said he would return sometime later today.
